A Decade…

Less than a month after I turned 22 I got married. Cale and I met when we were 18 and his sister Joy was dating Cullen, my cousin. From the moment I met Cale I really didn’t have any inclination about him at all except that he was quiet. We likely didn’t even talk at all when we met. However, after a few months we got to know each other just by hanging out in groups with other mutual friends from church. I really knew nothing about Cale, but we developed a rapport very quickly. We had the same sense of humor and I knew he was smart. After a few months of hanging out we exchanged email addresses and began occasionally emailing one another. I wouldn’t get my first cell phone until later that year. Our emails, which I still have, were hilarious. The only point of emailing each other was to make up outlandish and funny stories that would just amuse the other person. Believe it or not, you can find out a lot about a person that way. I knew I liked Cale after we began this entertaining friendship, and although I knew he liked me back, I wasn’t sure if he would ask me out. He is pretty shy. Well, we went to the 4th of July meeting in Missouri and spent the entire time together. To my disappointment, Cale never asked me out. Never the less, we had such a great time together that I wasn’t worried about it and just figured he needed more time. I guess I was right, because right after the meeting he asked me out. Via email. Haha. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but I said “yes.” I didn’t know if we were just going on a date or exclusively in a relationship. Our first “date” was in Louisiana. After that weekend  I had no doubts that either of us would date anyone else.

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Cale asked me out in July of 2000. One month later he told me he loved me. ONE MONTH. He had never told anyone else he loved them, so I knew he was serious. I never told anyone outside of my family that I loved them, and I was majorly hesitant to say it. Those are words I don’t take lightly. When Cale said that he loved me I told him I wasn’t sure if I loved him or not yet. About a month or so later I told Cale that I loved him. I had liked other guys and dated, but I always seemed to be turned off after a while. I didn’t have any long relationships, nothing this serious, and it was all new. I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t know if my feelings would last. We were both starting our first semester of college. He was at OU and I was at UNT, but we embarked on a long-term, long-distance (only by a few hours) relationship. I changed my major several times during my first year of college, unsure of what I wanted to pursue. Cale decided instead of majoring in pre-med he would get his degree in chemistry. We decided to stick it out and graduate college before moving to be closer to one another. While I remember it being rather difficult at times, we figured out a way to make our relationship work.

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During the Spring of my senior year of college Cale proposed. It wasn’t a surprise, we had already talked about marriage, we were just waiting to get out of school. A decision I don’t regret. After 3 years of college I graduated and began a teaching job in August of 2003. We planned to get married that December, after Cale graduated. Looking back I don’t remember it being too crazy, but I was in my first year of teaching and coaching and I was planning a wedding. Volleyball season is from the beginning of August to the the end of October, and it was hectic. We also bought a house in November. I actually didn’t care much at all about the actual wedding, thankfully. It would have been too bad if I had, I didn’t have time to worry and stress about things. Anyone that knows me well knows I’m not detail oriented and I don’t care about perfection, I’m the complete opposite of my husband. I guess that can be a good or a bad thing, but when it comes to wedding planning I guess it was a good thing. My wedding was nice, but it was relatively small and pretty modest. You see, my parents told me I was allotted a certain amount of money to spend however I wanted. Well, instead of blowing it on a one night affair I put most of it towards the down payment of a house. Yep. No food at my wedding, you people will have to eat some other time, I’m buying a house. Etiquette matters not to me. In 6 months time I graduated college, started my first teaching job, bought a house, turned 22, and got married. It was a crazy time.

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Being married was awesome. It still is. Going from living with my parents to living in my own house with my husband, who I had NEVER lived in the same town with, was amazing. I had my best friend with me all the time. We both adjusted amazingly well. Although we had been together for 3.5 years and we knew each other extremely well, but we still had a lot to learn about being married. Unfortunately, our honeymoon stage was cut short. After being married for 6 months I was in a life changing car accident with an 18 wheeler. It was hard on me, but it was also hard on our marriage. I know Cale surely felt helpless as he saw me depressed and in constant pain. We didn’t know then that this accident would cause chronic pain that we would both have to learn to deal with.

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A year after we had been married Cale decided to get his masters in chemistry in order to further his career opportunities. I continued to teach and coach and Cale quit his job so that he could go to school full-time. In the Fall of 2006 we started thinking about starting a family. I was ready, and with Cale graduating in the spring, we knew the timing was about right. I found out I was pregnant in December and that I would have a baby boy in August. Cale and I were beyond thrilled. The plan was always that Cale would work so that I could stay home once we had kids. This put the pressure on Cale to find a job right out of graduate school. I finished up teaching in May and Cale then graduated from school. We prayed for the right job to come along so that I wouldn’t have to go back to work in the fall. God worked it all out, and in a matter of weeks Cale had a great offer that allowed me to quit teaching. It was bittersweet to stop my career. I had taught for 4 years and I loved it. Coaching high school volleyball was amazing, and I was sure going to miss the girls. Nonetheless, I was willing to give it all up to stay home with my baby and I couldn’t imagine leaving him with anyone else. My precious Max Ry McAlister was born on August 8, 2007. He was adorable and precious and he was a high maintenance, colicky, sleep-fighting baby. I’m not going to lie, it was a difficult transition for me. It was hard for me to go from working to staying at home. It was difficult being a mom and having another person completely dependent on me. It was hard going from just me and Cale, to me and Cale and Max. A lot changed, and change can be fun and exciting, but it can also be difficult. It was a transition, and we had to learn how to adjust to the added responsibility this new little person created.

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I alway knew I wanted to have my kids close in age, so it was planned that we would get pregnant again fairly soon after having Max. In June of 2008, when Max was 11 months old, I found out I was pregnant. Another boy would soon complete our family of 4. After staying home with Max for 6 months I decided to coach club volleyball. I found out it was in my best interest to work a little on the side. Even though I was pregnant with Jake, I got a job teaching about 10 hours a week at a private school and coaching volleyball at a different private school. It was a little ambitious to say the least. After the volleyball season ended, and we moved, I decided to only teach. Thankfully the school let me take February to May off so that I wouldn’t have to return until August. It worked out perfectly because Jake was born on March 18, 2009. In the mean time Cale got his dream job at Alcon. It was great timing and he was so happy to advance his career. It was another transition to go from one child to two children, but luckily we make a great team, and we weren’t first time parents this time.

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When Jake was 8 months old I decided to go back to school and get my Masters. I found a great program that would allow me to take my classes online. Now I was teaching, being a mom to two boys that were 19 months apart, and I was going back to school. I look back at many things and wonder what I was thinking taking on so much at once. As life progressed my chronic pain became unbearable. I was sitting and doing homework every night and weekend for hours and a new debilitating pain began shooting down my legs. I finished my teaching job in April, graduated from school on May 13th and had a spinal fusion on May 16th. The recovery from surgery was difficult, especially with a 4 year old and 2 year old to take care of. I had a walker and a huge brace. I couldn’t bend at the waist and I couldn’t lift anything. I know it put a large burden on Cale and my mom, who I often had to call and ask for help. I hated depending on others, but I also hated not being able to pick up my kids and just do normal day to day things. I was very hopeful that this surgery would fix my chronic pain, but perhaps my expectations were unrealistic.

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The last few years have been difficult. I worry that I did too much and brought some of this on myself. I think 2011 was probably the toughest. I have had one health problem after another since then. Just when I think I can really focus and attack one aspect of my health, another problem seems to pop up. In 2012 I got a job as an adjunct professor at Tarrant County College. I was thrilled for the opportunity, and that it would allow me to stay home and teach just a few hours a week. Another big change occurred that year, after living with chronic pain for 8 years, I finally decided to get on medication to manage it. It was life changing, and I finally felt like I was no longer riding the roller coaster that I had previously been on for too long. I still have pain, but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that it is something I will always have to live with and manage. If that means medication for the rest of my life, then so be it. If it allows me a better quality of life and makes it where I can do things with my family that I couldn’t before, then I’m okay with that. Finally. However, this year another problem has crept up. Depression and anxiety. I’ve experienced full blown depression that has put me in a hole. It’s overwhelming and paralyzing. Sure, it comes along with the territory of chronic pain, but after trying to get myself out of it time and again, I finally got help. Or so I thought. After trying several different anti-depressant medications that would help with anxiety, and insomnia (which I also deal with), I found out through trial and error that these medications have side-effects. Every one I’ve tried, and I’ve tried several, have either made me crazy, completely flat and unemotional, or they had no effect at all. I feel like I haven’t been myself for sometime, not just because of the medication, but because I’ve just been in a funk. I haven’t been at all the kind of person I want to be for years. I haven’t asked for help. I have thought I could deal with things myself. Can you imagine the frustration Cale must have had being married to someone like that? I’ve felt sorry for myself and I’ve let that feeling reside for far too long. My attitude has been bad and I honestly haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. My last surgery this past September landed me in the ER twice and took a lot out of me. It’s been hard to bounce back with every passing surgery, and this past one makes 8 total. But through it all, you know who’s stood by me? Who’s seen me at my absolute worst (and trust me, it’s been bad)? My husband. Even when I’ve done my best to try and shut him out, he has kept his promise to be there through the good and bad. There have been times that I’ve wondered, if he knew then what he knows now, would he have still married me? But that ship has sailed. Our commitment has been made. Our love is a choice that we constantly make again and again. Cale has chosen to pick up the slack when I so often can’t manage. He’s learned how to deal with me when I’m simply impossible to deal with. He’s so much better than I am in so many ways. I only hope that if the roles were reversed that I would do the same for him.

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So here we are. Ten years of marriage. A lot has happened. I know this is lengthy but I’ve really just hit the highlights. It definitely hasn’t been easy, but it’s brought us closer and taken us to a very positive place. Right now I feel like things are looking more positive from my perspective than they have for some time. I’ve got a lot to do to make up for lost time and I’m more committed to my marriage vows today than I ever have been. There’s been a shift, and slowly but surely the old Renae is coming around more often. So I know it’s all possible. I can move past this, and 10 years from now I hope that I will look back at this time as a small speed bump that doesn’t define my life or who I am. I’ve recently thought a lot about the idea that as we grow older we think things are going to get better, that our lives are going to improve. But what if the best years of our lives are already behind us? Can we still go on to make the best of things knowing that? Sure we can. Regardless of the circumstances of our future, I know that Cale and I can make it together. If we can’t overcome it, then we can endure it. Together.

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Comments

  1. says

    I knew you had lots of pain and health issues; but I had no idea of the intensity and depth. You certainly have my sympathy and empathy. I pray that your climb out of the abyss will be steady, and that it will be a lost memory. You have darling sons and a true blue husband. My love and prayers are with you. Jimmie

  2. Rhonda says

    Cale is a great son-in-law and father and we love him dearly! I’m glad you have him and glad you have made it to the first decade of marriage and pray there will be more and that times will be better for you and Cale and your well being. I love you Renae!

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